Ta Da!!

Every day brings a chance

for you to draw in a breath,

kick off your shoes, and dance.

A photograph

like A plant loves the sun

A Body needs Food

like A fire that will not stop burning

Merry Holiday!

Not talkin' 'bout a year
No not three or four
I don't want that kind of forever
In my life anymore
Forever always seems to be around when it begins
but forever never seems to be around when it ends
So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do
From you
People spend so much time
Every single dayRunnin' 'round all over town
Givin' their forever away
But no not me
I won't let my forever roam
and now I hope I can find
my forever a home
So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will doFrom you
Like a handless clock with numbers
An infinite of time
No not the forever found
Only in the mind
Forever always seems to be around when things begin
but forever never seems to be around when things end
So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do
From you

Wow

This is the first day of my life

Swear I was born right in the doorway

I went out in the rain, suddenly everything changed

They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours was the first face that I saw

I think I was blind before I met you

I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been

But I know where I want to go

So I thought I'd let you know

That these things take forever, I especially am slow

But I realized how I need you

And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night

Just to meet me in the morning?

And I thought it was strange, you said everything changed

You felt as if you just woke up

And you said

"This is the first day of my life

Glad I didn't die before I met you

Now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you

And I'd probably be happy"

So if you want to be with me

With these things there's no telling

We'll just have to wait and see

But I'd rather be working for a paycheck

Than waiting to win the lottery

Besides, maybe this time is different

I mean, I really think you like me

<3>

I know I know!

Arrg!! I really detest the post-your-horoscope-as-your-entire-blog-entry crap. However, because it is soo close to the new year I thought I'd share a little bit. Maybe I'll move to a big city and I'll love it! Who knows what the future holds.

Definitely start anew, no matter how it begins or ends.



In the Broadway play Passing Strange, the narrator Stew says, "You know how one morning you wake up as an adult and you realize your entire life is based on a decision you made as a teenager?" If that description applies to you, 2009 will be the best year ever to do something about it. In the coming months, you will have the power to correct errors or misjudgments you made way back when. You'll be able to figure out how to start over in an area of your life that you've always assumed you were doomed to accept just the way it is. You may even find that you can, in a sense, change the past and reconfigure your memories.



I find myself thinking about my future a lot lately. I'm very optimistic that my time is coming. Go to school, travel, trust, gain more friends and love then I know what to do with! I'm going to be okay this year, and it will be better then 2008 (it'll be hard to top! But it can be done!). I believe in myself.

It's about time you start to trust Yourself.

Silence.

There is so much more I could ask for. More that I am in need of.

I hear the humming of the lights. A deep breath.

What am I going to do about you?

Rain Song

The nurse should not be the one who puts salt in your wounds

But its always with trust that the poison is fed with a spoon

When you're helpless with no one to turn to alone in your room

You would swear that the one who would care for you never would leave

She promised and said you will always be safe here with me

But promises open a door to be broken to me



The maid that you've hired could never conspire to kill

She's to mother, not quietly smother you when your most ill

The one that you're trusting suspiciously dusting the sill



All week I have been trying to fully understand what has been taking place in my life. All week I have been trying and lying to myself. All week I have been loved, a lot.

{not a} Waste

Don't want to be an actor pretending on the stage

Don't want to be a writer with my thoughts out on the page

Don't want to be a painter 'cause everyone comes to look

Don't want to be anything where my life's an open book

A dream it's true

But I'd see it through

If I could be

Wasting my time with you

Don't want to be a farmer working in the sun
Don't want to be an outlaw always on the run

Don't want to be a climber reaching for the top

Don't want to be anything where I don't know when to stop

A dream it's true

But I'd see it through

If I could be

Wasting my time with you

So if I'm inside your head

Don't believe what you might have read

You'll see what I might have said

To hear itCome waste your time with me
Come waste your time with me

So if I'm inside your head

Don't believe what you might have read

You'll see what I might have said

To hear it

Come waste your time with me

Come waste your time with me

Come waste your time with me

Come waste your time with me

Come waste your time with me

It is Enough

So many words
So many ways
If you can hear me now
There's something I gotta say.

Just one more talk
Just one more turn
If one's too much then..I just want to say..


Thank you,
For everything
You ever done for me
I just want to say..

Thank you,
For all the things
For saving me.

So many times,
So many days
You helped me through
Walked me through the rain.

So many tears,
Have washed away
If you can hear my voice
There's something I have to say..

Just one more talk
Just one more turn
If one's too much then..I just want to say..

Thank you,
For everything
You ever done for me
I just want to say..

Thank you,
For all the things
For saving me
It's been so long..

They say time will heal everything
Could you send me a sign
To fill the soul in my life
Turn on a light
To help me see through it all
No one left to rescue me
(But no need to) Save me...(Again)

Just one more talk
Just one more turn
If one's too much then
I just want to say..

Thank you,
For everything
You ever done for me
I just want to say..

Thank you,
For all the things
For saving me
I just want to say.

Blow November Blow

all eyes on the calendar

another year i claim of total indifference

to here the days pile up

i'm sure all of them were wrong

with decisions to be made

into this song, i send myself

and with these drinks i plan to collapse and forget

this wasted year

these wasted years

i'm sorry about the phone call and needing you

devoted friends, they disappear

i guess it's like breathing and not wanting to

some decisions you don't make

there are some things that you can't fake

i guess that it is typical

to cling to memories you'll never get back again

and to sort through old photographs of a summer long ago

or a friend that you used to know

and there, below his frozen face

you wrote the name and that ancient date

and you can't believe he is really gone

when all that's left is a f**king song

i'm sorry about the phone call and waking you

i know that its late

but thank you for talking because i needed to

some things just can't wait

Fear

The heat comes in distant shifts to fill up my room
It spills out of these ancient vents to meet the new cold
And I lay in my twisted sheets, and stare out at the snow
Thinking of the next few months, my cold and lifeless eyes
No, I've never felt so separate
Then there's you, but that's so obvious
It's hopeless and I know this, that's why I can't dream
No desire or circumstance keeps it from me

One by one, to department stores, we walk through the aisles
In a forest of designer clothes, you touch me and smile
And know for a moment, I could want nothing
Your bright eyes burn through my exploding heart
We stand as the shoppers pass us
And for once I can feel a touch complete

I need to just be near you and fill these empty eyes
You start turning as resistance pulls you from my cold and boring life
Let's make this easy and let time pass, as devotion dies
The list goes on and on
I have waited, and I'll be waiting for the pain to cure the fear

Murphy needs to back off..

Murphy's law is a proverb that states, "if anything can go wrong, it will."

Or it is cited as: "If there's more than one possible outcome of a task, and one of those outcomes will result in disaster or an undesirable consequence, then somebody will do it that way";"Anything that can go wrong, will," the similar "Whatever can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time, in the worst possible way."





Epic fail

not good, failed
not good enough, failed

failed to stop

failed to see

failed to love

failed to recieve

F***!!!

This is all I can think about.

Way to go.

bomb
breakdown
bust
checkmate
botch
decay
decline
collapse
deficiency
false step
loss
faux pas
flash in the pan
nonsuccessoverthrow
flop
frustration
implosion
inadequacy
lemon
loser
mess
misadventure
defeat
rupture
sinking ship
stalemate
stoppage
total loss
wreak.

Pedro Speaks

The impact

The aftershave

The European ciggarettes

The taxi

The alcohol

That lingers on your breath

The lipstick

The street lamp

The woolen overcoat

The front desk

You tell yourself

It isn't over yet

Second best, oh, second best

I can learn to live with this

Plus, I really need a rest

After all, what's wrong with second best

What's wrong with second best

The motel

The distances

Cave into kisses, cold and wet

Familiar exchanges

Like needle pulling thread

The empty movements that once were so inspired

Desperate attempts to fan the flame without the fire

The matress creaks beneath

The symphony of misery and cum

Still, we lie jerking back and forth

And blurring into one

Second best, oh, second best

I can learn to live with this

Plus, I relaly need a rest

After all, what's wrong with second best

What's wrong with second best

Study Love

"We can't know where we're going until we know where we've been.

And the music of the past is not just to study and put it in a museum.

The way to study it is to put it on the stereo and turn it up as loud as you can."

**Emmylou Harris**

Just for you :P

"..doesn't come around often, and sometimes people miss it, but when it does and it's realized it's an amazing feeling."

Absolutely.

Tattoo <3

Let Compassion

Guide Me

Humility

Hold Me &

Courage Temper

My Wild Mind

The greatest achievement is selflessness.

The greatest worth is self-mastery.

The greatest quality is seeking to serve others.

The greatest precept is continual awareness.

The greatest medicine is the emptiness of everything.

The greatest action is not conforming with the worlds ways.

The greatest magic is transmuting the passions.

The greatest generosity is non-attachment.

The greatest goodness is a peaceful mind.

The greatest patience is humility.

The greatest effort is not concerned with results.

The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go.

The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances.

- Atisha

Things Happen.. And they happen.. And again..

These amazing people come into my life. And everyone touches your world, in one way or another. Last time I had to make a choice (although I don't regret) I believe I may have chosen wrong. Too much was destroyed in the storm. And lost in the fire.

What do I do?

What do I do?

What do I do?

What do I do?

What do I do?

What do I do?

What do I do?

What do I do?

What do I do?

What do I do?

What do I do?

What do I do?

What do I do?

What do I do?

What do I do?

What do I do?

What do I do?

What do I do?

What do I do?

What do I do?

I'm just so fucking baffled.. There isn't enough time in the day.. There is too much love here. There is definitely too much love there. Living in Europe cannot happen until next fall. Can you get high off Vicks? Does the Knight really comfort you? I heart The Last Waltz with you on a lazy smoke filled Sunday. Find a way to not let a friendship ruin because of drugs. Can't help them get out. Can only be waiting outside. I find comfort standing in the rain. "The Song" is really mine and his. Not yours. It's pathetic that you haven't fully moved on. You can admit you're wrong. Did you get your papers yet? What about school? Move to Toronto? What did it all really mean? What was real? I'm becoming a teacher! Is it really that long already?!

Praying to be stronger. Not to change my fate. But, What do I do??

September 22nd

How ironic I speak to you on this day.

Reflection from Buddha.

From passion arises sorrow and from passion arises fear.

If a man is free from passion, he is free from fear and sorrow.

What don't you run from?!

Are YOU ready?

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the things you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." - Mark Twain

A briefing HAHA

Friday August 1st



The 6 of us had flown from the Buffalo airport to Chicago on Friday morning to attend the best Lolla-fest that Grant Park has had in years. The top-heavy line-up was a great help in selling out two of the three days of the festival and also selling out the 200$ 3 days passes. Which I believe to be a huge bargain!

After signing into our conveniently located downtown hotel, gypsy punkers Gogol Bordello, was well worth experiencing. Front man Eugene Hutz enthralled the audience with his manic stage presence and his crazy mustache. They treated their set like a nonstop party, never slowing down or giving into the heat. They didn't think about the grueling temperatures, so neither did I, making them the first band of the day that made me forget about the agony and let me dance the pain away. Their newest album Super Taranta! is pretty fun to listen to. But live is the way to go with this band.
Needing more beer I head to one of the eleven bars set up around the park. I was told that there would be no way to get through the Radiohead-inspired growing crowd with my hands full. I was on a mission. I was exhausted from the long day already and the even longer night before, the excitement kept me awake the whole damn night.
After weaving through the half sitting crowd towards the front, I eventually made it back with the refreshments. I found a nice spot in the grass with some locals and started chatting while waiting for Bloc Party to come out. You meet some of the coolest people while waiting and soaking up the sun.
Bloc Party starts rocking out post punk revival-style to only half the crowd. The next band up on that stage is Radiohead, so it's not surprising that there's already a pretty massive crowd. Too bad most of them are ignoring the band and getting wasted, not giving them a chance. Could have had a bit more action but they still put on a decent show and sounded incredible.

Radiohead were the sole headliners on Friday, and the tickets for that single day have been sold out since they went onsale. And unless you camped out in front of the stage for three hours (or were a complete dick and shoved your way to the front) you weren't going to get anywhere near them. However, the band's light show was spectacular, the sound perfection and the band in good spirits, Thom even smiled, very briefly. It was cute. The only thing I would have changed (although I did love how artsy the screens were (six way split screen with very close up shots of each of the members)) is having the camera views different so the people who couldn't see the stage full on could have had the same experience. Hearing songs such as "The Bends", "Fake Plastic Trees", "Videotape" and "Paranoid Android" in this setting was a treat I'll never forget.

Saturday, August 2nd


The pack of 4 did a little site seeing in the ritzy downtown core taking pictures of the architecture and got a little shopping done. We grabbed refreshments and headed back to the hotel before hitting the park for round two.

Completely refreshed after an early night I found my way back to the grass and I lounged about without a care in the world. The people buzzing around me was a nice comfort as I checked out the festival styles and overheard some pretty funny shit. I staked out an excellent spot right in front of the sound tent for MGMT and it was a good thing we got there early because as the band came on stage they were visibly surprised by the massive crowd that had gathered to see them. MGMT kind of stumbled out of the gate, performing a couple slow album cuts before turning it up to 11. They had made up for the slow start and drove the crowd into a frenzy, complete with inappropriate bottle throwing and crowd surfing. I have to admit that I hadn't giving MGMT the listen they so deserved until that day, and I'm glad I did. I then swiftly headed to the LollaShop to stand in that crowd again to finally get my Radiohead tshirt. It's my new love! Met up with everyone else and we grabbed food and chilled in the shade. We then started to head back to the main stage to grab some ground for the pending Rage concert. Lupe Fiasco put on an energetic performance (although it seemed over rehearsed) too bad he's Kanye West's protege. LoL The chaos began after Lupe and his band left the stage. Every time a small bubble of people would leave the crowd (a whole 8 people I'm assuming wasn't there for Rage lol) the bonehead contingent was amping up in anticipation of Rage and forcibly shoved their way forward. We were pretty far back behind the sound tent for Lupe but managed to push our way to the middle of the mosh pit thanks to our brave momma bear! (Haha.. I had no idea how stupid that was until an hour later) You quickly became family with the sweaty half naked people around you. Chanting "Fuck VIP" and "Shark Week" was for amusement. What my friends and I found really awesome was while crammed in this over packed sardine can we happened to be standing with half a dozen more St. Kitters! It was awesome to know people there before our pending fate. The crowd started pushing a little bit more and more as go-time drew near. I can't get into specifics.. I want to make this short.. I wore flipflops. A blaring siren goes off and the band's iconic red star illuminates the stage and they begin with "Testify". The jammed mosh pit started to jump. If you didn't go with the jump (and you kind of had to because you're literally squished between people, so if they jumped you involuntarily went with them) you would fall to the feet of the crowd and they weren't going to stop to help you up. After the first song we climbed over people to get back to the sound stage where I made a goon throw Ami and I over the fence to safety. The best part was when security then escorted us toward the stage up the center aisle and I could see the single beads of sweat on Zach de la Rocha and bassist Tim Commerford. Mean while, hundreds of people were being pulled from the pit with broken bones and bleeding/sweating faces. Walking towards the VIP lounge for space and much needed air we listened to Zach tell the crown to chill and take care of each other and to stop the unnecessary competition for the front of the mosh pit. He didn't want anyone else to get hurt and threatened to cut the show short if people didn't take 10 steps back. (Youtube videos available) After getting to a good viewing spot Ami and I stopped to breath and find we're still shaking. We meet other survivors and we're still so excited. But now we can enjoy the music. They didn't have the vibe I have heard they usually have when playing live. The quality of Rage's sound system was a little sad and performance wise they sounded like they were just going through the motions from their most popular songs. BUT I'm not complaining, just being honest. Fuck that was a great night. Even the stairs to get out of the park were jammed pack with bodies and people were moshing everywhere. For an encore, the setlist read like a personal selection for a "Best Of" compilation. The favourites "Wake Up" and "Freedom" were a perfect build up to the blistering powerhouse "Killing in the Name of". Dancing, screaming and rocking out to Rage's encore in the street with Ami was as satisfyingly cathartic as it gets. A week has passed and I'm still high.




Sunday, August 3rd

The exciting late night before led to a slower start in the morning. Any of the smaller bands we would have enjoyed seeing were playing way too early to trek down to the park. So we lazed about and the 6 of us reunited for brunch at a fancy restaurant. Food was great, conversation was good and the day was just getting started. We decided that the first band of the evening we really cared about was Love and Rockets, who didn't go on til 6pm. We floated around listening to Flogging Molly close by and got our spots 6 bodies from the gate at the Bud stage where Nine Inch Nails would be performing within hours. Perry Farrell came out on stage and caused a ruckus introducing L&R and kissing them all on the lips as they walked out. They played a loud set, and stress the loud, but they had some very excited fans (alot of them older). L&R are a bit before my time, however, the band showed a lot of life on stage, and it was a pleasure to catch such a band in their twilight.
There was a good hour between the L&R set and Nine Inch Nails so we had a bit of waiting to do. So again I sit and drink the vodka I had in my purse. We hang out with locals, tour chasers, serpents, crazy old men and their ass-cracks and some generally nice individuals. There are the ever present beach balls bouncing happily in the air, one Sharpied stating "FUCK KANYE".. I really wanted that one. The sun is setting and there is a cool breeze. The crowd is getting thicker but eerily calm. We had no idea that this group was going to get as rowdy as it did. I was unprepared.. once again in my flipflops.. The rushing began as soon as NIN hit the stage and Ami's face had the same look of sheer panic she displayed the night before. "I am not going through this again" we say in sync. Just when the 2nd song got the crowd shoving more, I look at my feet and see there is blood everywhere, from the place my big pink toe nail used to be. Ami took this awesome opportunity to get me out of there and we hit up the Medi-tent. We headed back to the NIN crowd to catch the rest of the show from a safe distance and stop at a group of Canadians! We had our own mosh pit there with plenty of shoving and rocking out. I was in the air for most of the set and had a great view of the stage. The stunning visual show gives Radiohead a run for its money, alternating between red lights and swirling backgrounds, and enough strobe lights to give an epileptic a seizure. The set list was a bold one, heavy on material from their new album The Slip and even featuring some of the instrumental numbers from Ghosts I-IV. The audience kept their attention throughout though, and their patience was rewarded with blistering, ultra violent renditions of NIN classics like “Closer,” “Head Like a Hole” and “Wish.” Before finishing up with an encore that included the self-loathing anthem “Hurt,” Trent took some time speak to the audience, thanking them for their attention and apologizing for his voice, which he claimed was off. If he wouldn't have mentioned it, no one would have noticed. It was a wicked show/time as the festival wound to a close. We stopped at a grassy hill outside the park to smoke and lay down to look at the stars. Throw in some intelligent conversation and it was the perfect night. Only to get funner. LoL
The walk home with fellow Canadian's who were also staying at the Hyatt was especially interesting. I believe, being half in the bag and high on life after such a great weekend led to us getting very lost in the underground level of downtown Chicago. Walking along the wrong side of the river and dancing in the fountains was so freeing. None of us had working phones or maps and definitely not even a general idea of where we were going. But we embrassed the adventure and loved the night.
Monday morning had come too fast and we had to pack to leave. Our flight was at noon-thirty-five and we were melancholy. But we were ready for rest. Next time Lollapalooza, you will not have me fooled.. I will have my steel toe boots and don't worry.. my love will grow with time.

And this is the short version. Haha

Man... what a month...

I am going to get a little emotional here and thank all of my friends for the best summer ever! My birthday festivities and all the great trips I have gone on have been a blast! I can't wait for repeats and steal toe boots!* The summer is only half over and there are plenty of places to go still! So buckle your seatbelts, pump your gas, check your boarding passes and LET'S GOOOO!!!


This year has been so so good to me. The people I have met and the love I have received is monumental. I have been meditating more. Exercising my mind, body and soul. Living my life to the absolute fullest. I have been hanging out with some really great people and learning about new cultures, cities, countries, and love. I beam joy and experience only what I can understand to be Peace and Freedom. I can't help but smile and giggle all the time now. It truely is a great feeling. Those objects who have been a cause for stress have been removed from my life and live only (barely) in my past. I wanted to thank everyone I have ever had an interaction with. I need them to understand that I apriciated all the laughs, lessons, arguments, tears, and smokey moments that we could have shared because it helped me understand more about myself and my life. I have purpose. I feel absolutely no pressure. I sing. And I beam.

"There is no good old days...it is today...it is tomorrow...it is a stupid thing we say cursing tomorrow with sorrow." - Gogol Bordello

*I will get waayyy more into that story later on. After my head stops spinning and the adrenaline rush calms! LoL

Care of the Sick Mind

Blackness, darkness,

Nothing at all.

Waves of fear,

Walls that fall.

Mentally sound,

And sanity aside.

Murdered minds,

With all to hide.

Time stands still,

Stars rotate.

Bushes grow tall,

Trees they create.

Padded walls,

And straight jackets.

Poisoned souls where

Deliriousness fits.

The doctor is evil,

His stall is worse.

The patients must endure

This dreaded curse.

Love when my hair curls.

I'm feeling really down... today

I'm feeling really... under the weather;

but it is no problem, or lack of pleasure,

it's just the weather.

Rain keeps coming down around

and I can feel the ... low pressure

Whenever that it stops, it turns to ICE

I'm feeling really down.

rain, rain, rain keeps coming down, down, down

rain, rain, rain, rain keeps coming down

on the ground

rain, rain, rain, rain keeps coming down

rain, rain, rain, keeps coming down

Whenever it's like this... people

Always want to... pass the buck

But I don't really give...I'm feeling really...

rain, rain, rain keeps coming down, down, down

rain, rain, rain, rain keeps coming down

on the ground

rain, rain, rain, rain keeps coming down

rain, rain, rain, keeps coming down

I'm feeling really... guilty

I'm feeling like I'm... owing money

But I don't even know anybody

I'm feeling really down

-Rheostatics

I'm not really feeling down PS.. I just love the rain.. so this works. Enjoy!

So many thoughts..

Another sleepless night.. This time it's not from going out like most of you are thinking. So much stress from too many ideas, thoughts and excitement. Seriously.. Seriously? LoL
A (once)wise man told me in a simplistic manor that "Peace and focus will grant you the power to surpass every obsticle the you encounter.. Remember that." And I did.

Certain moments only happen once, and whether it be the high point of your life or the ebb of your existence, don't miss the experience of 'the moment' and the feeling that either success or failure has brought you. Because if you think that you're bigger than the emotion gripping you, then you are missing the point of feeling what life is all about.

It is raining.. I can sleep soundly now.. How I love thunder storms.

Unbiased Observation of Reality

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let them go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together after a while you learn the difference between holding a hand and falling in love. You begin to learn that kisses don't always mean something. Promises can be broken just as quickly as they are made. And goodbyes really are forever.

Arrg.. tired..

With all the knowledge of the world, how are we not living our best life?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I gave way to delight, as mystics have for centuries when they peeked through the curtains and discovered that this world- so manifestly real was actually a tiny stage set constructed by the mind. We discover abruptly that everything we accept as reality is just social fabrications." -Timothy Leary, 1966

Sila, samadhi then onto panna.

Growth and improvement is our purpose. Not money, not power, or possessions. Only constant improvement of our mind, body & soul. Trying to become our best, enhancing our abilities. The reason why this is so difficult is because it's against our nature.

All beings, at least once, experience their worst nightmare. At least, I'd like to think that everyone, at least once have had an experience where they become the one thing they despise the most. Whether it's an anorexic being glutenous, a vegan having to kill in the wild to survive, or a victim (child) of an alcoholic going on benders. Dante famously said, "In the middle of the journey of our life I came to myself within a dark wood where the straight way was lost." How does one control their own decent into the inferno? Follow. I decided I needed to isolate myself from myself and everyone else in order to evaluate all the motives. Pure disregard and reckless abandon is not part of my disposition. Centering myself is the only way. After separating all the parts of my spiritual mind, I am to make sure that I am protected, and that nothing but positive things come through for me. You need to do a protection meditation like this when you are working on your energies. When you go into a meditation and are in an altered state, you want to be sure you don't end up walking around with other people's energy attached to you. Once centered you can begin to re-evaluate your morals and your purpose in life. Determine which path you were going to take and how you would need to ready yourself for that path. You will only do yourself harm by jumping into a new path. You must prepare for change. You mustn't have unrealistic expectations of an immediate change, but just the expectations that you will do your best.
Growth and improvement is our purpose.

People who don't see their nature and imagine they can practice thoughtlessness all the time are lairs and fools. Bodhidharma

Indecent Not Obscene!

RIP - You will be greatly missed.

Peculiar, I know.

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

I need to stop listening to what some call their "gut feeling". It has only led me to mistakes and more and more unanswered questions. What I want is to be able to declare: "This year I discovered everything that's important to know about what I don't need and who I want to be. That's one of the important reasons why I've learned to avoid the suffering that comes from wishing my life were different from how it actually is. I'm more at peace with my soul's idiosyncratic destiny than I've ever been."

"My name is Frostie. I wear dresses and I am hardcore." Hahaha

Why do you think?

Reality alone exists - and that we are. All the rest is only a dream, a dream of the One Mind, which is our mind without the 'our'. Is it so hard to accept? Is it so difficult to assimilate and to live? - Why Lazurus Laughed by Wei Wu Wei

no title

This Day In History!

Figure out the day!

1976: Massive earthquake in China

Early in the morning, a massive earthquake of 8.2 magnitude strikes Tangshan, a Chinese industrial city with a population of about 1 million people. As almost everyone was at home in their beds instead of outside in the relative safety of the streets or fields, the earthquake was especially costly in terms of human life. By the time the rescue effort came to an end, the Chinese government estimated that 250,000 people had been killed, making it the deadliest earthquake of the 20th century.

1914
Austria-Hungary declares war on Serbia - beginning World War I.

1865
A crowd of 100,000 watches the last public execution in Scotland when Dr Edward Pritchard is hanged for poisoning his wife and mother-in-law.

1858
First recorded use of fingerprints as a means of identification by William Herschel.

1833
Britain passes the Emancipation Act - abolishing slavery throughout the British Empire.

1586
The first potatoes arrive in Britain - brought by explorer Sir Thomas Harriot from Colombia.

Well.. on this day in history the good to bad news ratio is 50:50. Who would have thought. Arg.

This is a test...

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

You had me several years ago
When I was still quite naive
Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair
And that you would never leave
But you gave away the things you loved
And one of them was me
I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

HAHAHAHA I found this song particularly funny today after a comment I received last night about my last blog. This is just a joke. Laugh a little. I'm poking fun because you're my buddy. Giggle Damn You! It's good for your health! As for myself, I have been feeling pretty up-beat. Probably because of my shopping spree the other day.. Still getting high off the fumes! LoL
This fathers day.. treat daddy to a good show.. Jim Cuddy.. 3:30pm.. Burlington.. FREE!!! << This is not part of the test!!

Today's Letter is ' T '

I guess you could say

I'm one of those girls

That's always been with one of those guys

You know the type

Like right now, he sleeps while I write

But it's better than crying

I'm worn out from trying

From loving a man who always makes it clear

I'm not welcome here

Just till he's horny and hungry

or needs something cleaned

And you know what I mean

But not tonight'

Cause come the morning light, oh

I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else

Believe in me, even if someone can't see

The stronger woman in me

I'm going to be my own best friend

Stick with me till the end

Won't lose myself again, never, no,

'Cause there's a stronger woman,

A stronger woman in me

Light bulbs buzz,

I get up

And head to my drawer

I wish there was more

I could say

Another fairytale fades to gray

I've lived on hope

Just like a child

Walking that mile

Faking that smile

All the while

Wishing my heart had wings

Well tonight, I'm going to be

The kind of woman I'd want my daughter to be, oh

I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else

Believe in me, even if someone can't see

There's a stronger woman in me

I'm gonna be my own best friend

Stick with me till the end

I won't lose myself again, never, no

'Cause there's a stronger woman,

A stronger woman

This is me, packing up my bags

And this is me, headed for the door

And this is me, the best you ever had

I'm going to love myself

More than anyone else

Believe in me even if someone cannot see

There's a stronger woman in me

I'm going to be my own best friend

Stay with me till the end

Won't lose myself again, never, no

'Cause there's a stronger woman

A stronger woman

There's a stronger woman,

A stronger woman in me,Yeah...

so bitter - death is heardly more severe!

"We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck. But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness."

Exactly.

It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default.

-J K Rowlings

Sitting in The Rain Waiting For The Tornados...

Talk Tonight

Sittin' on my own
Chewin' on a bone
A thousand million
Miles from home
When Something hit me
Somewhere right between the eyes

Sleepin' on a plane
You know you can't complain
You took your last chance
Once again I landed, stranded
Hardly even knew your name

I wanna talk tonight
Until the mornin' light
'Bout how you saved my life
You and me see how we are
You and me see how we are

All your dreams are made
Of Strawberry lemonade
And you make sure
I eat today
You take me walking
To where you played
When you were young

I'll never say that
I Won't ever make you cry
And this I'll say
I don't know why
I know I'm leavin'
But I'll be back another day

I wanna talk tonight
Until the mornin' light
'Bout how you saved my life
(You saved my life)
I wanna talk tonight
(I wanna talk tonight)
'Bout how you saved my life
(I wanna talk tonight)
'Bout how you saved my life
(I wanna talk tonight)
'Bout how you saved my life
(I wanna talk tonight)
'Bout how you saved my life
I wanna talk tonight

In the back of the closet...

I rediscovered the Vivienne Westwood wedding gown that I hid in the back of the closet.

And it's still lovely.

'In My Life' - The Beatles

There are places I'll remember

All my life, though some have changed

Some forever, not for better

Some have gone, and some remain

All these places have their moments

With lovers and friends I still can recall

Some are dead and some are living

In my life, I've loved them all.

But of all these friends and lovers

There is no one who compares with you

And these memories lose their meaning

When I think of love as something new

Though I know I will never lose affection

For people and things that went before

I know I often stop and think about them

But In My Life I Love You More.

*Sigh* *giggle*

How I love Sex and the City. Any which way I can get it!! *giggle* I have to say I have been feeling pretty damn great lately. With a few minor bumps along the way. But that is just life I suppose. My only request is that my friends find peace and happiness within themselves. Part of my request is selfish because I don't want to continue being stressed out for something I didn't take part in. Anyways... lol For a bit I really didn't believe that there was a love so great and pure after mine altered (I say altered because it did not die. I don't believe that for a second. And you can judge me all you want, call me nieve or stupid if it makes you feel better about yourself.) until I read this love letter from Pietro Bembo. Then I remembered.

Eight days have passed since I parted from f.f., and already it is as though I had been eight years away from her, although I can avow that not one hour has passed without her memory which has become such a close companion to my thoughts that now more than ever is it the food and sustenance of my soul; and if it should endure like this a few days more, as seems it must, I truly believe it will in every way have assumed the office of my soul, and I shall then live and thrive on the memory of her as do other men upon their souls, and I shall have no life but in this single thought.
Let the God who so decrees do as he will, so long as in exchange I may have as much a part of her as shall suffice to prove the gospel of our affinity is founded on true prophecy. Often I find myself recalling, and with what ease, certain words spoken to me, some on the balcony with the moon as witness, others at that window I shall always look upon so gladly, with all the many endearing and gracious acts I have seen my gentle lady perform--for all are dancing about my heart with a tenderness so wondrous that they inflame me with a strong desire to beg her to test the quality of my love.
For I shall never rest content until I am certain she knows what she is able to enact in me and how great and strong is the fire that her great worth has kindled in my breast. The flame of true love is a mighty force, and most of all when two equally matched wills in two exalted minds contend to see which loves the most, each striving to give yet more vital proof...

No pity by any means

"Compassion is that which makes the heart of the good move at the pain of others. It crushes and destroys the pain of others; thus, it is called compassion. It is called compassion because it shelters and embraces the distressed."

- Buddha

Please understand what I am doing for you..

Compassion is an understanding of the emotional state of another or oneself. Not to be confused with empathy, compassion is often combined with a desire to alleviate or reduce the suffering of another or to show special kindness to those who suffer.



Compassion is often characterized through actions, wherein a person acting with compassion will seek to aid those they feel compassionate for. Acts of compassion are generally considered those which take into account the pain of others and attempt to alleviate that pain.





You are experiencing dukkha. No more dukkha.





In sanskrit dukkha was often compared to a large potter's wheel that would screech as it was spun around, and did not turn smoothly.

Law of Simplicity

Start with reduction.

You get rid of everything extraneous that doesn't enhance or focus the form you are celebrating.

Holy Shit!! This is fantastic!!

Guess what universe!! I am Psycic!! It's true!! I can tell you who is going to win the US election, the next Hollywood power couple that is going to spilt and when the world is really coming to an end!! This is truly an extraordinary gift!! And you can experience my mystical powers unlimited all for just $199 a month! That's right folks! I have the ability to tell you what horrible disese you're going to develop and in what year it's going to be found. We can talk to the dead before they even die!! I can even tell you exactly who your next boyfriend/girlfriend is going to be within days! This way you can weed out the people that are just wasting your time and wait for the one guy/girl to ask you out!! It has worked for me! I knew days in advance! But there's a catch. Just one. You must not tell anyone else that you know the truth!

I dig it. LoL

All I have to say is

I want to wear the straight-jacket again.

Because I am bloody tired.

Daily Meditation

A wonderful painting is the result of the feeling in your fingers. If you have the feeling of the thickness of the ink in your brush, the painting is already there before you paint. When you dip your brush into the ink you already know the result of your drawing, or else you cannot paint. So before you do something, "being" is there, the result is there. Even though you look as if you were sitting quietly, all your activity, past and present, is included, and the result of your sitting is also already there.

D.T. Suzuki



Start to feel again.. start to live.

"Life is hard." And she cried.

CHANCE

PROBABILITY



WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?




6 to 8 weeks could subsequently change the path of my life. Fully alter the course of my demise.
That’s 42 days, 1008 hours, 60480 minutes, 3628800 seconds. Plenty of time to fall in love so hard just to be hurt by someone you thought you could trust. At 6 weeks pregnant the embryo starts to develop fingers and has nostrils. You could take a "trip-around-the-world" courtesy of Delta American Airlines in 11 days. Which means in the maximum wait time of 8 weeks I could have travelled around the world over 5 times.


It is existent. But deceptive. Hearing the broad deep voice of a man saying "Tune in next week". That man frightens me. I no longer watch television or listen to the radio. When I hear his eerie voice I cut him out by envisioning beating the mucus out of every orifice of this being. I beat "him" for the silence. I beat "him" to calm me. I silence the monster. I threaten "him". I scare "him". Show "him" the corpse of the others in my mind. I have killed before. I am stronger now. And I will kill again. I will not be brought down.




What could you do in 6 to 8 weeks?

The only thing that ever came to a sleeping (wo)man is dreams.

This has been a total sham. I have been sitting here for months. Working on myself. Waiting for something spectacular to happen to me. I didn't want to live with my folks (even all the money in the world can't change that right now), I don't want to be alone anymore, I want to give back more. Then something did happen. I gave up. I gave up waiting. I gave up not giving a rats ass. This is going to be an extremely interesting summer as I am about to fully discover what I am made of. I couldn't ask for a better Entourage. As I have said before, I need you in my life. Thank you life, for turning so sour, and forcing me to be strong. I am the glue.

I am tangerine.

healthy. delicious. all natural.

Made me believe I couldn't change.

You are wrong about me.

You thought you needed to carry me.

You are wrong about me.

You thought I wanted diamonds.

You are wrong about me.

I smile at the simple joy of knowing the reality.

Ferocious & Cunning!!

I will be tangerine.

Inquisitive

Talented

Independent

i AM tangerine.

Rise Above & Open Your Eyes

I am going to be conscientious.

I care about what the path I tread will look like from here.

That matters to me.

Not how other people perceive me.

Ones mind will presume a false harshness, reguardless of what their heart tells them to be true.

I dont want to be cruel or demean people. That will not be a part of who I am.

I want to honor the divinity that resides within me.

To Rise Above.

I call them iFuns...

ZEN DOG

He knows not where he's going
For the ocean will decide-
It's not the DESTINATION...
... it's the glory of THE RIDE.





The Sheep of Destiny

He smiles because he sees
your future.
And how happy shall
that future be.




LOVE MONKEY

Let us,
like LOVE MONKEY
Stand for what we
Hold most DEAR.



THE PIG of HAPPINESS

may his JOYFUL SMILE
remind us how much there is
to be HAPPY about.

Just Breathe..

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions."


-Raine Maria Rilke

I am not angry. I am afraid.

After the events that have occurred recently I may be filled with resentment. Often resentment will manifest itself in different and very negative ways. As an individual who is trying with all her might to be as pure and healthy as can be, resentment towards situations or others can be the cause anxiety & animosity. It can be an emotionally disturbing experience if constantly relived in the mind.


The emotional beatdown is hard.
Beating down the resentment is hard.
Hard is stress.
Stress is unhealthy.
I am afraid.

Why so angry?

It has been proven that the displays of anger can be used as an effective manipulation strategy for social influence. The angry person usually finds the cause of his/her anger in an intentional, personal, and controllable aspect of another person's behavior. It is a natural reaction. With anger, sadness usually follows.




The Dalai Lama's view on the subject:

"Buddhism in general teaches that anger is a destructive emotion and although anger might have some positive effects in terms of survival or moral outrage, I do not accept that anger of any kind as a virtuous emotion nor aggression as constructive behavior. The Gautama Buddha has taught that there are three basic kleshas at the root of samsara (bondage, illusion) and the vicious cycle of rebirth. These are greed, hatred, and delusion--also translatable as attachment, anger, and ignorance. They bring us confusion and misery rather than peace, happiness, and fulfillment. It is in our own self-interest to purify and transform them."

The Catholic Encyclopedia (1914) defines anger as "the desire of vengeance" and states that a reasonable vengeance and passion is ethical. Vengeance is sinful when it exceeds its limits in which case it becomes opposed to justice and charity. For example, "vengeance upon one who has not deserved it, or to a greater extent than it has been deserved, or in conflict with the dispositions of law, or from an improper motive" are all sinful.
(And is usually uncalled for!)

...to be ignorant.

"Do not assume that she who seeks to comfort you now, lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. Her life may also have much sadness and difficulty, that remains far beyond yours. Were it otherwise, she would never have been able to find these words."

-Raine Maria Rilke

"Do or Do Not. There is no try."

I do,
and do
and do
and do.

And there is still no try.
One will not put forth the effort.

The real meaning behind the quote.

Hello World!

I have been thoroughly enjoying the spring weather! New dresses, new coat & some flip-flops! Before, I couldn't say things are great.. they just are. I was scary & damaged.. But now, I am genuinely happy! From head to toe! It's surreal.. I feel so lite. (And I am.. so that is something to celebrate for sure!!) Only dark & twisted left to conquer! Bring It On!!

Word of the day: Unappreciative

I have always been the one for fairytales, happily ever after, and the one true love. When sleep is spread thin, the sounds of reality echo through my head. There is no full happiness, no reward for doing good, no pleasent escapes. I had once pledged the poem below. Only to find that I had no real value in this world. Cursed. The other shoe has dropped.

I love you. It's not a weight you must carry around.

I love you. It's not a box that holds you in.

I love you. It's not a standard you have to bear.

I love you. It's not a sacrifice I make.

I love you. It's not a pedestal you are frozen upon.

I love you. It's not an expectation of perfection.

I love you. It's not my life's whole purpose (or your's).

I love you. It's not to make you change.

I love you. It's not even to make you love me.

I love you. It's as pure and simple as that.

Anonymous

Love is hope.

Hope is no longer there. I believe I have become jaded.

I believe I have been released from my cage. I no longer believe.

No beliefs, unbelievable, unforgiven.

Fool me once shame on you.

Fool me twice shame on me.

-LamaPennyLane

Do with it as you please...

This is the first day of my life

I swear I was born right in the doorway

I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed

They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw

I think I was blind before I met you

Now I don’t know where I am

I don’t know where I’ve been

But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know

That these things take forever

I especially am slow

But I realize that I need you

And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night

Just to meet me in the morning

And I thought it was strange you said everything changed

You felt as if you'd just woke up

And you said “this is the first day of my life

I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you

But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you

And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me

With these things there’s no telling

We just have to wait and see

But I’d rather be working for a paycheck

Than waiting to win the lottery

Besides maybe this time is different

I mean I really think you like me

Song by: Bright Eyes

-LamaPennyLane